Here is an interesting topic which came up in a magazine I was reading lately. I thought it was quite a good subject because the number of people who say to me, ‘if only I could get married and keep my freedom.’ It sounds a bit too much like wanting your cake and eating it. Is there freedom in marriage? and what is freedom anyway?
In the dating game you make a choice, and hopefully consider other people’s feelings in the process. Mid- teens I would turn away a man who said he wanted a one night stand or no strings, but underneath I sensed that he was discreetly hoping for a relationship. I didn’t want a relationship at the time as I was enjoying the freedom to travel study and do as I liked. I was probably lonely sometimes but that is the sacrifice you make for doing the things you want to do. I did not want to drag somebody in to a situation that was not going to last.
People make the mistake that long term single life is great. Freedom in itself is chains. A married person can’t sleep with whoever they want to any time of the day or night but on the other side of the coin a single person can’t have a back rub or a candle lit meal whenever they want it!
Scenario:
So you thought you were in love, you tied the knot and now you yearn for the days when you could do as you pleased, get a last minute flight, pick up a one night stand or just roll home after a drunken debaucherous adventure without anyone to object!
Flirting, dating, getting your (now spouse) naked was exciting and something that you thought about every waking hour. Things were fun and the time you spent together was valuable because you knew that it would end with a ‘good night’ or ‘goodbye’ and you would have to wait patiently to see them again. You are in love, you say, this is the real deal!
Time has passed and the wedding ring has been on for some time, you have slept in the same bed for many years and the shine has begun to tarnish a little.
When your partner is out or asleep you begin to fantasize about the times when you used to do what you wanted rather than feeling trapped into pleasing the other person all the time. They have started putting restraints on you to be home at a certain time, attend events with relatives you don’t like and do a bit of work. In the olden days you would have bent over backwards to hammer a nail in or come home for a cooked meal but now it all seems so dreary to be expected to do what you are told.
Then comes the secretary. At first it was just harmless flirtation, the odd poke on face book or a works do where you stayed out longer than you should have because they were there. They are young and sexy and lead an exciting life (Or so it seems). They make you feel wanted and special and young again.
Like a dog running off when its owner calls, you switch off your phone and indulge in that long desired word freedom.
I’ll just do it once and then we’ll forget all about it and still be great work partners. You tell yourself, but it never works out that way…
In love with two people.
Emotions run high as you begin to misinterpret lust as love. You think about them all day every day and feel miserable when you can’t see them or speak to them. Psychiatrist’s waiting rooms are full of clients claiming that they are in love with two people. Are they really? Or are they just romanticising adultery – the desire for an elicit sexual encounter and the sweet taste of lost freedom.
The spouse has been grumbling all afternoon and telling you to pick up your pants you feel like a child. He/she has taken on the role of parent, and parents are there to be disobeyed, right! Disobedience is an assertion of freedom.
The gulf widens
Sensing you are a player or thrill seeker, your mistress may begin to pull away. At home the distance between you lengthens as you have put too much attention in elsewhere and you can’t or don’t want to give it back. You are like a juggler on a high wire, trying to keep all your balls in the air. (In a manner of speaking!)
Possessiveness
Is an attempt to control another’s freedom. It is usually viewed negatively but it can also develop out of evidence that the other is playing away. The mistress may be a lonely heart who becomes possessive of the man (see Fatal Attraction) or one party may begin stalking the other, hiring a detective or not letting them leave the house.
MBA
No it’s not a formal qualification today… it actually stands for ‘Married But Available.’
These are often dangerous types, unsure about what they want, or indeed wanting it all, selfish and inconsiderate. They are often blatant about their marital status and yet up for anything.
A married woman seeking a bit of freedom may find this type an attractive opportunity, He is ‘at your disposal?’ In other words ready to be put into the bin.
Peer pressure, Street Cred!
Some partners may enter into affairs because they do not want to be perceived as free, i.e. their own person and not under the thumb, I think that this is particularly true of men. They may also do it because they want to fit in, and flirting with a girl to impress your mates may lead to a full blown relationship.
Responsibility
Once a couple have children, freedom is impossible during the kids early years. The husband or wife may have some freedom by going to work but the responsibility is always present.
I will probably be heavily criticised for saying that children out on the streets late at night looting London are there because many of their parents want their freedom.
The above scenarios are commonplace in marriages throughout time. However there is some positive stuff and the good news is they do not always end in divorce…
Healthy ways to keep freedom.
Check out the menu. Eat at home.
It is quite normal to want to be desired by the opposite sex and harmless flirtation is a way of feeling that we are still attractive. The grass is not greener on the other side. Everybody has their problems and try to avoid romanticising that this person is greater than the one you already have.
Time out/open relationships
Everybody needs time out, even if it is to go to our room, paint our nails, play golf, or just be at one with ourselves. Couples need to allow each other time for same sex friendships and not be possessive over one another.
Some couples agree to letting each other have a ‘weekend off’ in order to spend it with a sexual partner of their choice. Whether this works or not depends on the couple, but it could be a lot healthier to be open with your spouse than sliding into deviance and guilt. It could also be worth explaining to the third party that this is a no strings arrangement. It may protect the third party from setting themselves up for a fall.
A high percentage of us humans are greedy buggers who just want what we can’t have, this has to do with asserting our freedom to make choices and the fact that we biologically programmed to procreate the species by promiscuity.
Time together minus one
…or however many kids there are. Nothing is worse than feeling that the children are curbing a couple’s freedom ad it is easy for this resentment to show. Go and see a movie or have a romantic dinner together and leave the brats with a minder.
